Self Sabotage
by who-are-you-silas
Summary: Set in season 3 after the club opening except Chuck and Blair never made up. Also in this story Lily and Rufus never got together, Dan is still with Serena, and Nate is single. I don't really know how to summarize the story so that's all you get.
1. Chapter 1

I don't own anything....yet :)

* * *

I love Chuck and I know he loves me too, but sometimes I lay awake at night wishing that this magnetic pull we have towards eachother didn't exist. We are inevitable. Maybe this is karma's way of punishing us- bringing us together only to have us viciously tear ourselves apart. But those times that we are_ truly_ together seem to make all the hurt, all the pain and all the betrayal fall away. Who knows why we do it…maybe because happiness is unnatural on the Upper East Side, or maybe we have some sort of sick sadistic/masochistic desire to mess things up. We are damned to a miserable life without eachother and a cursed life with eachother. Bound to a life of self sabotage.

Trust is a thing Chuck and I will most likely never share. What is a relationship without trust? A failure. Blair Waldorf does not fail. But honestly, how can I trust other people when I have never even learned to trust myself? I take full responsibility for my actions, but I wish I didn't have to. I pray every night to become a better person, go through a transformation like Serena once did, like Chuck has done now. The fact is- I can't stop, can never change. My inclination towards perfection and control is my own personal plague and the one thing I have no power over. The reason I first felt the urge to stick my finger down my throat was not self image, it was self control. Of course, my bulimia only made me lose more control. Just like all my other decisions in life, it backfired. It's true that you can_ never_ completely cure an eating disorder. The compulsion remains and relapses happen more frequently than I would like to admit. The worst part of it all? Scheming and revenge have joined forces with bulimia. If anything my compulsion for scheming is a stronger disease then my eating disorder ever was. Deep down I don't mean to hurt anybody. I don't want to drive those closest to me away. It is self sabotage.

That's how I ended up here, drinking alone at Victrola thinking about how to get Chuck to forgive me. This is how all my schemes end, me alone contemplating why I was so stupid to believe I would gain anything.

* * *

"You were right Nathaniel. Blair will never change; she will always be a manipulating, conniving, selfish, vindictive, righteous bitch." Chuck breathed out in agitation. He was lounging in Nate's apartment smoking pot. He didn't want to be home right now, not willing to risk the chance of _her_ showing up to try and talk.

"Dude- I thought you liked that about her. Weren't you the one that told me it was stupid for me to want her to change? This is Blair we're talking about, she will never mellow out." Nate has made his peace with Chuck and Blair's relationship but he will never understand why two people so in love can be angry at eachother 85% of the time.

Chuck hated that he was right. Bitchy Blair was hot.

"She betrayed me Nathaniel. She used me like I was just another one of her puppets. She doesn't respect me. She is still so stuck in a high school mentality."

"Son now that you're a major CEO billionaire you're the mature one? You're too good for her?" Nate could not believe he was hearing this. He was Chuck's best friend, but Blair's his friend too and for Chuck to think that is ridiculous.

"I didn't say that." Chuck snapped. "I just don't understand why she did this. Doesn't she know I'll do anything for her? I'm so fucking whipped it is humiliating. I would've helped her."

"So what are you going to do now? Keep up the occasional detached conversation thing you two have going now? She's sorry Chuck. She has said it a million times and you know she means it man. Blair Waldorf does not apologize for anything unless she truly is sorry."

"It doesn't matter. She can never take back what she has done. How am I supposed to trust her? Mr. Ellis was bad enough, but Jack? That was the last straw."

"Dude, she just wanted to help you. Aren't you being a little overdramatic?"

"Her going to Jack almost ruined me. She shouldn't have been so naïve. Perhaps he gained her trust when they slept together." Chuck spat out bitterly.

"It wasn't like that and you know it. Blair's thing with Jack is her business, and as for her asking him for help? She honestly thought she was doing a good thing."

Chuck scoffed. "Please, it was probably just another excuse for them to fuck again."

"You don't know what you're talking about Chuck. You weren't here at New Year's. You have no idea…"

"And you do?" Chuck was getting really irritated with Nate's know it all attitude today.

Chuck did have a point there. Nate was too wrapped up in his own drama to notice Blair at New Year's.

An awkward silence filled the air.

When had Nate gotten so smart?

It was at this time when Serena took the liberty to burst in, dragging Dan in close behind.

Dan and Nate had been pretty good friends since last year and Serena has been hanging out with Nate a lot more, things going back to a casual friendship. Serena and Chuck have been getting along better, especially after the night of the opening.

"Hey Nate!" Serena called out. "Oh, god Chuck's here!" for once this was not a sarcastic comment.

Dan shifted uncomfortably, he and Chuck have been on fine terms lately so that wasn't a problem, but the overwhelming scent of weed was. Catching on, Serena opened a window and made the boys stamp out their joints.

"So did you guys come over just to ruin our high or was there a legitimate reason?" Chuck was seriously annoyed. He really needed to be stoned right now and he was currently only buzzed.

"I just thought we could all hang out if that's cool with you?"

"No problem." Nate has gotten used to Serena and Chuck showing up randomly since they no longer want to speak to Blair about their problems. He never realized how much she did for them until the responsibility fell to him. Blair has always fought with all of them and it always turns out okay, so this will all resolve itself soon…I hope.

"So you two looked like you were deep into something when we cam in." Serena said, remembering the strange intensity in the room when she and Dan arrived.

"Yeah, it's called marijuana." Chuck snarked, he really didn't feel like continuing his argument with Nate in front of Sunshine Barbie and Brooklyn.

"We were talking about Blair." Nate confessed, wanting to just get this discussion overwith, personally he felt it was being blown way out of proportion.

Once again an awkward silence filled the air as recent memories of the formentioned filled their minds.


	2. Chapter 2

I still own nothing

* * *

Chuck cleared his throat awkwardly.

"We still aren't talking." He admitted, referring to him and Blair's relationship problems.

"I'm still not speaking to her either." Serena returned.

"I try to avoid her at all costs!" Dan tried to infect a little humor into it, but failed ultimately.

"I've got to admit, Blair and I haven't been that close since prom. Our friendship is kind of uncomfortable…but I still care about her. How long are you planning on shunning her for?" All of this talk about how awful Blair is gets exasperating.

"I don't know." Chuck replied. Honestly he wanted to run back to her, exchange apologies, then fuck her like there was no tomorrow. Why did he have to be such a stubborn jackass sometimes?

"As long as it takes for me not to get sick by the mere sight of her, maybe not even then." Serena said miserably. Nobody really believed they would fight for much longer, Serena and Blair always make up.

"Well, I don't plan on ever being around her again, let alone speak to her. She has never treated me like a human being and after what she did to Georgina and Vanessa…I'm done." Dan didn't quite know why he was involved in this conversation.

He wasn't officially part of the N-JBC. He might as well be now though. He basically got along with all of them now, excluding Blair. He'd just have to work on the whole non-judging part.

"It's good to know you're all such loyal friends. So she messed up- I know for a fact we all have before."

"We all have our breaking point Nathaniel. Blair could only push our limits for so long. She did this to herself." Chuck hated saying it, but it was true. Too bad Chuck couldn't walk away that easily. As much as it hurts, he could never leave Blair. He loves her. If only she wasn't such an untrustworthy bitch. Of course that would make things a bit dull. He has to admit, bitch is his favorite look on her. Just not when it's directed at him. He wondered if she knew all she ever does is sabotage herself.

* * *

Olivia loved Chuck's opening the other night so she decided to check out Victrola. Afterall, Chuck owned it too. She decided to drag Vanessa, Georgina, and some other friends from NYU along of course.

The club was in full swing when they arrived and Olivia had to admit she was impressed. Vanessa has never been a fan of Chuck's, but his recent involvement with the owner of the Brooklyn bar has redeemed him somewhat in her eyes. Plus, she liked the atmosphere of this "burlesque club".

Georgina smirked maliciously seeing Blair drinking alone at the bar. This was going to be way too easy.

Blair guzzled the last of her martini, on her way to being seriously drunk.

"Give me the strongest thing you've got." It was time to hurry things along.

The bartender eyed her warily debating whether or not he should keep serving her. One glare later and he was pouring her a shot.

Blair winced as it burned her throat before demanding another.

"Rough night?" the bartender asked. A hot young woman drinking all alone looking like a pristine angel trampled on by life usually suggested a problem.

"Only by my own making."

He nodded in understanding before going across the bar to serve someone else. That's when Georgina decided to snatch the opportunity for a little destruction.

"What's the matter Snow White? Did the magic mirror finally speak the truth?"

Great. Just what this night needed. An appearance by Georgina.

"What are you doing here?"

"What? No snappy comeback? No biting wit? I must say I'm disappointed." Georgina titted back, purposely grating her nerves.

"That doesn't answer my question?"

"I came with a bunch of friends. I know the concept must be foreign to you since you no longer have any."

"I'm not in the mood Georgina." She was started to feel the effects of the alcohol take over and slurred ever so slightly. Of course Georgina caught it.

"Oh my, my…what do we have here? Is the perfect society girl plastered?" She chuckled darkly going on, "Can't say I blame you though. Trying to forget that you have no one left. You've driven every last person who's ever cared about you away."

Seeing her words having their desired effect when Blair lowers her eyes to her empty shot glass she decides to carry on…

"Whatever happened to the non-judging breakfast club B? Your life long friends have left you behind and you've been replaced by, dare I say it, Dan Humphrey. They don't need you anymore. You're alone Blair and from now on it will stay that way. I didn't even have to do anything, you did this to yourself. How does it feel to be an outcast? The person everyone dreads to see, with nobody to blame but yourself?"

An opportunity like this only comes up so often and Georgina was definitely going to exploit it.

"Fuck you Georgina! At least I stay true to who I am. The only reason you have friends is because they don't know who you truly are. You put up this "reformed" mask and everyone rushes to forgive you! But that's all it is- a mask."

Finally she regained her ability to speak.

"And you're any different? Face it Blair, we're the same. Both selfish insane bitches pretending to be someone we're not. The only difference is that people still like me. You try so hard to appear perfect. For adults you put on your polite smile and act the perfect angel- for peers you put on a superiority complex and use intimidation to get your way. I bet you have a different act for everyone in your life; your mother, your father, step father, Serena, Lily, Dan, Nate, Me…you have an act for all of us don't you. An act. A mask…. Enjoy your night Blair!"

And then she walked away with a smirk and a victory giggle.

* * *

I must be seriously drunk because what Georgina said just made a lot of sense. Blair hated these thoughts popping into her head. She wasn't supposed to be thinking; she was supposed to be drinking. Glancing behind her at a satisfied Georgina laughing cruelly with her "friends" only made it worse. Blair gestured to the bartender for another shot.

"Are you sure you want to keep drinking?" This girl looked like she was already substantially drunk but he knew better than to refuse to serve the privileged elite of the Upper East Side.

"Definitely."

* * *

Chuck sat slumped back across the couch not really listening to the blondes' conversation about which cereal is better; froot loops or captain crunch. His thoughts kept drifting off to Blair and how much she hates cereal. She says it's nothing more than an inevitably soggy, sorry excuse for a soup. She believes the people who eat it are either poor or high. God I miss her. This isn't right. I'm supposed to be pissed at her, make her suffer without me, but somehow it feels like I'm suffering more.

It wouldn't hurt to call her though right? I mean, technically we're still together and on talking terms (distant, cold talking terms).

No. I can't give in. Well…

Chuck sees Humphrey cozy up to Serena and grimaces in disgust. I can't help imagining it was Blair and I curled up together on that couch.

That settles it. I'm going to call her.

No. I'm not. Ugh! This is so frustrating. Chuck runs his hand through his hair before ultimately making the decision to text her. It's perfect; distant enough to not give in, but I can still find out where she is and what she's doing. That sounded kinda stalker-ish…

**B- Miss me? What are you up to? – C**

So maybe that first part was a little bit taunting, but she deserves it right? Now all I have to do is wait for a response.

* * *

Blair was wavering ever so slightly in her chair, about three degrees past intoxicated. The bartender kept a close eye on her to make sure she didn't fall over and began serving her shots of water instead of alcohol. In her alcoholic haze it was all the same to her.

Her phone chirped, alerting her of a new message, but she didn't notice. She was too fascinated by the spinning room.

Olivia approached the bar to order another round of drinks for the girls and cocked her eyebrow at the brunette girl who was obviously wasted sitting a few stools away from her. Something about this girl looked familiar.

"Hey, do I know you? I feel like I've seen you around someplace."

Blair blinked at the blonde in front of her. She did look vaguely familiar.

"Ohhhhh….you're Vanessa's roommate right?" Blair let out; the bartender looked on in amusement- surprised she could even articulate a sentence in her condition.

"Um, right. I'm Olivia."

"Blair." She pointed to herself and the bartender couldn't help but think she looked like an innocent child when she did that.

At the mention of this name Olivia's face suddenly went blank and she abruptly turned away.

"Well it was nice to meet you." Olivia managed, muttering a quick "psycho bitch" underneath her breath. Blair couldn't help but laugh at this, it was so true.

"Wow." The bartender, Joe, let out.

"You have quite the reputation. One mention of you name and she was out of here."

"Ha, yeah. I do tend to have that affect on people."

"Wait a second…Did you say your name was Blair?"

"Oh no, not you too!" she groaned, hitting her head against the bar.

"No, it's not that. Are you Blair Waldorf?"

"The only and the one…wait, that's wrong…what's the saying?" she started laughing at this and it was becoming increasingly clear that she had had way too much to drink.

"Oh my God! I love this song! Do you want to dance?" She jumped out of her seat and tried to drag him over the bar to the dance floor.

"Whoa, whoa…hold on a second. You are _the_ Blair Waldorf? As in Blair Waldorf, girlfriend of Chuck Bass- the same Chuck Bass that _owns_ this club?"

"Uhh…Yes? That would be correct. I think."

She was adorable trying to honestly figure out what I said. It's a good thing I'm gay. Chuck Bass would seriously kill anyone who came near her. He was one scary son of a bitch. And apparently an idiot if he let his incredibly hot girlfriend go out _alone_ to get drunk at a bar full of mean girls and horny men.

"You know. I have my own identity."

She sounded so serious all of a sudden, sad, what happened?

My confused look must have tipped her off cause she continued.

"You said "Blair Waldorf, girlfriend of Chuck Bass". That's what I am to you."

I didn't really know what to say to that. I don't even know the girl.


End file.
